Christmas comes just once a year (thank heavens). Here's my contribution to the Christmas spirit. I call it Bah Humbug.
| Christmas comes but once a year Just as well, ‘cause more I fear Would send me screaming up the wall I couldn’t cope with it at all. |
| The panic, starts as I remember Round the middle of November. Rush and tear, the crowds, the cookin’ Jesus doesn’t get a look in. |
| A neighbour calls. She looks unflapped. "My presents? They’re all bought and wrapped." Then adds, with face as smug as Larry, "The puds I made last January." |
| In every neighbourhood has he Who thinks his house a Christmas tree And buries it beneath a maze Of gaudy flashing Santas’ sleighs. |
| The ad men say the world will end If you do not go out and spend. The shops perpetuate the lie: It’s all about how much you buy. |
| And then those shops assault your ear With tacky songs of Christmas chear. Whilst products lined along the shelves Are daubed with Santas, trees or elves1. |
| "Stocking filler" Twenty quid? Just who d’you think you’re trying to kid? Stockings should hold simple things Like sugar mice on candied strings. |
| "Who’s turn is it for Auntie Joan?" "She cannot spend the day alone." How is it our more aged guests Get classified as household pests? |
| I do believe we’ve lost the plot True Christmas spirit’s been forgot Simple presents. Sing Wassail2 Help the meek, the poor, the frail. |
| Have a lovely Christmas day But love thy neighbour3 on the way. Enjoy yourself without a doubt. Just don’t forget what it’s about. |
| 1 | Even my milk had Santa on it last year. What's that all about? | ||
| 2 | Traditional greeting, to which the traditional answer is "It’s a sort of beer you daft ha’p’th". | ||
| 3 | Yes, even the one with the eight foot flashing reindeer on his roof. |
