A message for cold callers

Here is my suggested voice-mail welcome message to deter cold callers.

Beep. This is a recording.

I have not bought, nor would I ever buy, payment protection insurance so I am not interested in compensation for the alleged mis-selling of same.

I have not had any accidents recently but, if I had, I would not be seeking compensation. An accident is, by definition, nobody’s fault and the modern trend of immediately seeking compensation after any minor misfortune is an insidious one that serves only to push up all my insurance premiums.

I am not interested in participating in any market survey on any topic, even if you insist that you won’t follow it up by trying to sell me something, because I know you will.

My computer is working fine. I fully understand that if you get me to look in the system event log I will find arcane error messages in it. That is what the event log is for. I would be seriously surprised if it did not contain at least some error messages. I do not, therefore, require any assistance in fixing my computer and I certainly don’t want to install the remote control software you are offering.

My house is already fully double glazed and well insulated. I am not interested in solar panels as the sun rarely shines here and, in any case, the government has recently made dramatic cuts in the benefits on offer to those who fit them.

I am completely happy with my current energy supplier and will decide, on my own terms, if and when I wish to change. The same thing goes for my broadband service.

Please do not tell me this is not a cold call. You phoned me and I did not ask you to do it. To me, that is a cold call. I am on the telephone preference service list so you should not be calling me at all but I fully understand that you are probably calling from outside the UK in order to circumvent the regulations. No doubt this suspicion could be confirmed from your heavy accent were anyone actually listening.

My first inclination would have been to hang up the phone immediately you called, but I have decided to keep you on the line as long as possible to maximise your company’s phone bill. This is my rather pathetic attempt to punish your organisation for interrupting my otherwise peaceful afternoon.

I thank you for your attention. If you would like to hear this message again, please press zero. If you would like to speak to a representative, please hold and someone will be with you, but it may not be until a week next Tuesday.